Mid-Semester Exam Task English II Course Theme: Divorce Ainul Maisyah / 11410066

Mid-Semester Exam Task English II Course

Theme: Divorce

Ainul Maisyah / 11410066

Divorce in Islam

“Marriage in Islam is a sanctified bond that should not be broken except for compelling reasons. Couples are instructed to pursue all possible remedies whenever their marriages are in danger. Divorce is not to be resorted to except when there is no other way out. In a nutshell, Islam recognizes divorce, yet it discourages it by all means. Islam does recognize the right of both partners to end their matrimonial relationship. Islam gives the husband the right for divorce. Moreover, Islam grants the wife the right to dissolve the marriage.”

The linguistic definition of Talaaq is the setting free. In the view of Islam, divorce means the immediate and future annulment of the marriage contract, as confirmed in a plain declaration like: “I hereby divorce you!” or indirectly, like saying, “I hereby consider you unlawful to me!” It can also be confirmed by a judge or in the absence of judge, a Muslim leader, on basis of the wife’s request.  This is known as Khulu’.  Divorce sometimes relieves the husband or wife of difficulty, when one of the two has a corrupt nature and a deficient faith; when the two do not agree in temper and purpose; or when their hearts repel and never go well together.  Therefore, without love or agreement, the family structure collapses.  The aim of the Sharia’h (Islamic law) is to establish a healthy family unit through marriage, but if for some reasons this purpose fails, there is no need to linger on under false hopes as is the practice among the adherents of some other religions were divorce is not permitted.  Islam does not keep a couple tied in a loathsome chain to a painful and agonising position, instead it permits divorce.  It should only be resorted to when it becomes humanly impossible and due to unavoidable circumstances. 

Islam Discourages Divorce

“The Prophet of Islam told the believers that: "Among all the permitted acts, divorce is the most hateful to God". A Muslim man should not divorce his wife just because he dislikes her. The Quran instructs Muslim men to be kind to their wives even in cases of lukewarm emotions or feelings of dislike:

"Live with them (your wives) on a footing of kindness and equity. If you dislike them it may be that you dislike something in which Allah has placed a great deal of good" (Quran 4:19)

Prophet Muhammad gave a similar instruction: "A believing man must not hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her traits he will be pleased with another". The Prophet has also emphasized that the best Muslims are those who are best to their wives: "The believers who show the most perfect faith are those who have the best character and the best of you are those who are best to their wives"

The Procedure of Divorce in Islam

“The procedure of divorce in Islam is such as to encourage reconciliation where possible. After divorce the woman should wait three monthly cycles during which her husband remains responsible for her welfare and maintenance. He is not permitted to drive her out of the house during this period. She has been advised not to leave the house of the divorcing husband, in order to enhance the chances of reconciliation, as well as to protect her right of sustenance during the three months waiting period. The main purpose of this waiting period is to clarify whether the divorced wife is or is not expecting a child. Its second use is as a cooling-off period during which the relatives and other members of the family or of the community may try to help towards a reconciliation and better understanding between the partners. The Qur'an says:

"If ye fear a breach between them twain, appoint (two) arbiters, one from his family, and the other from hers; if they wish for peace, God will cause their reconciliation: For God hath full knowledge, and is acquainted with all things." (Quran 4:35)

If they are reconciled they may resume the marriage relations at any time within the waiting period, whereupon the divorce is automatically revoked. If further trouble arises and divorce is pronounced a second time, the same procedure is followed. Only if the matter reaches a third divorce does it become irrevocable. The wife is then to leave the house and is free after three monthly cycles to marry another man if she wishes. The first husband is not then permitted to remarry her unless she has in the meantime married another man and been divorced in usual legal manner.The law of Islam does not therefore compel unhappy couples to stay together, but its procedures help them to find a basis on which they can be reconciled with each other. If reconciliation is impossible the law does not impose any unnecessary delay or obstacle in the way of either partner's remarriage.”

There are two ways in which divorce takes place.  One is known as Talaaq Bid’i – an innovated divorce, and the other is known as Talaaq Sunni – that is, divorce carried out in accordance with the teachings of Muhammad (s.a.w).  As for Talaaq Sunni, this entails the man uttering divorce at a time when he has not engaged in any sexual relations with her after her last menstruation, whilst his wife is in a state of purity, that is, she is not menstruating or in a state of nifaas – post natal bleeding, and that he declares the divorce once only.  And so if one of the previously mentioned conditions is violated, the divorce process is considered as having been carried out in an innovated manner.  Talaaq Bid’i, is where a man divorces his wife while she is menstruating or is in a state of post natal bleeding, or that he divorces her after having had sexual relations with her after her last menstruation, or that he divorces her by verbalizing the divorce three times in one utterance or one same sitting.  This is the overwhelming opinion of the majority of the scholars, except that Imaam Ash-Shafi’ did not consider the utterance of divorce at one time as an act of innovation. Imaam ash-Shafi’’s opinion is refuted based on the hadith colleted by Bukhari and Muslim whereby ibn ‘Umar, the son of ‘Umar ibn Al-Khataab (r.a), divorced his wife when she was menstruating.  So ‘Umar (r.a) asked the Prophet (s.a.w) about his son’s actions in which he replied: “Command him to take her back, and keep her till she is purified, then has another period, then is purified.  If he wishes he may keep her and if she wishes he may divorce her before having sexual intercourse, for that is the ‘iddah (period of waiting) which Allah commanded for the divorce of a woman.”

The hadith of ibn ‘Umar tells many points and makes them clear.  Firstly, that it is prohibited to divorce during menstruation period.  Secondly, without the consent of a woman, a man can withdraw his decision within the specified waiting period (‘iddah).  Thirdly, it is an act of heresy (bid’ah) to divorce a woman in the state of purification after menses, in which sexual intercourse is carried out.  The scholars of Islam have differed on the issue of whether divorce uttered while a woman is in menses is actually counted.  The majority of the scholars say that the divorce has taken place and it is to be counted.  This is the opinion of Abu Hanifa, ash-Shafi’, Maalik,  Ahmad ibn Hanbal, An-Nawawi, and Al –Zaidiyyah.  Those who said that divorce has not taken place include the Dhaahiriyyah (the literalist school of thought), ibn Taymiyyah, his student ibn al-Qayim, and As-Sanaa’ni.  The correct opinion and Allah knows best is that of the majority of the scholars, that is, the one who divorces his wife whilst she is in a state of menses is counted as one divorce.  This is in light of what ibn ‘Umar himself has proclaimed in Saheeh Muslim and Bukhari that it was counted as one divorce against him.

Verbalising Divorce Thrice at One Time

What is the legal status of three divorces given together at a time?  There are four famous different opinions on this issue among the scholars.  The first opinion is that three divorces given together at a time befall and the woman is divorced.  This is the opinion of the four dominant schools of thought.  The second opinion is that if the woman has carried out sexual intercourse, then three will befall, and if she hasn’t, then only one will happen.  The third opinion is that of the Mu’tazilah and Shia’ who say that three divorces at a time are nothing and have no legal status at all. The fourth opinion is that this is only to be counted as one divorce.  Among these different views the fourth opinion, and Allah knows best is the strongest and most logical.  The opinion that three divorces uttered at once is to be only counted as one is the opinion of: Abu Bakr As-Siddiq, ‘Umar ibn AL-Khataab during the first two years of his Khilaafah, ‘Abdur-Rahmaan ibn ‘Awf, one of the ten companions given the glad tidings of Jannah, ‘Abdullah ibn Mas ‘ud, ‘Ali ibn Abi Taalib, ibn ‘Abbaas, ibn Taymiyyah and his student ibn al-Qayim, ibn Rajab al-Hanbali, Ash-Shawkaani, ibn Baaz, ibn ‘Uthaymeen, the great scholar of hadith Shaikh Al-Albaani, and many others, may Allah shower each and everyone of them with his mercy.   The conclusive opinion of these great companions and scholars is in light of authentic texts, which shed light on this controversial issue.  The following hadith reported by Muslim is one of the main sources of evidence, whereby ibn ‘Abbaas (r.a) narrated: “In the time of Allah’s Messenger (s.a.w), Abu Bakr, and the first two years of the caliphate of ‘Umar, the three pronouncements of divorce were regarded as one divorce.  So ‘Umar said: ‘People have made haste in an affair they used to practice with patience, so supposing we execute it on them’, so he executed it on them.”

Uttering Divorce during Anger

Anger is of three types:  The first type is when anger is so intense that a person becomes no longer aware of what he is doing or saying.  In this case the divorce does not count according to the majority of the scholars, because he is like one who is insane and mad, one who has lost all power of reason.  The second type of anger is when a man is when his anger is intense but he understands what he is saying and doing, however the anger is so intense and he cannot control himself because the argument trading of insults or fighting has gone on too long, so his anger intensifies because of that.  In this case there difference of opinion among the scholars.  The most correct view, and Allah knows best, is that divorce does not count because the Prophet (s.a.w) said: “There is no divorce and no freeing of slaves when it is done by force or in a state of intense anger.”[1] [3] The third type of anger is mild anger.  This is what happens when the husband is upset with his wife, or he is disappointed about something that his wife has done.  This mild anger it is not so intense that it makes him lose his power of reasoning or self control, hence the divorce is valid according to the majority of the scholars.  This is the correct answer regarding divorce uttered in anger, as was stated by ibn Taymiyyah and ibn al-Qayyim, may Allah have mercy on them.

‘Iddaah:  Period of waiting

‘Iddah is a period in which a woman waits after the death of her husband or divorce, and she is not allowed to marry during this period. The Muslim jurists have unanimously agreed on it as being waajib (obligatory) due to the explicitness of the Qur’anic injuction whereby Allah says: “The divorced women shall wait concerning themselves for three monthly periods.”[1] [4] There are three types of ‘Iddah:  The first type of ‘Iddah is that of birth.  That is, a woman must wait until she delivers her child before she can remarry.  A common erroneous idea among people is that a pregnant woman cannot be divorced. This is not the case at all.  Rather there is a consensus on this point among the scholars, and that this is a Sunnah divorce and heresy (bid’ah). There is no dispute regarding its validity. The second type of ‘Iddah is the ‘Iddah of menses.  This means a woman is not allowed to marry until she has three menstruations.  As soon as the third period ends, ‘Iddah ends.  This is the view of many of the elite companions such as ‘Umar, ‘Ali and ibn Masu’d, and it was narrated by ibn al-Qayyim. This is also the view by the majority of contemporary scholars such as ibn Baaz and ‘Uthaymeen. The third type of waiting period is the ‘Iddah of months.  This applies to women who have passed the age of menstruation.  The ‘Iddah in this case is three months.  As for a woman who is divorced by her husband before he has consummated his marriage with her, then there is no waiting period that applies to her based on verse number 49 from Surat Al-Ahzaab (33).

The woman whose husband has divorced her once or twice is instructed to spend her ‘Iddah duration within her husband’s house. Any woman who leaves her home without the permission of her husband after he has uttered either the first or second divorce is in violation of the injunctions of Allah and His Messenger.  A woman whose divorce is revocable (i.e. first or second divorce) may still uncover in front of her husband and adorn herself by applying make-up and perfume.  She may speak to him and he may speak to her; she may sit with him and do anything with him apart from intercourse.  The only instance in which he may have sexual relations with her is if he takes her back.   If the husband kisses and embraces his wife with the intention of taking her back, then that taking back is valid. To be on the safe side however, he should not fondle with his wife until after he has clearly stated that he is taking her back.   

In the case were a husband is not sure as to whether he uttered the word of divorce at all, or as to the number of divorces he has uttered, then he should act on the basis of what is certain.  So if he is not sure whether he has divorced her or not, the basic principle is that divorce has not taken place, because in this instance marriage is something which is certain, and divorce is something concerning which there is uncertainty.  Based on the juristic principle that certainty cannot be overridden by doubt, if the husband is uncertain as to whether he has divorced his wife once or twice, he should assume that he has divorced her once, because this is what is certain.  

Khulu’: Divorce initiated on the part of the wife

The linguistic definition of khulu’ means to take off the clothes or to take out.  According to Shari’a terminologly, khulu’ refers to a woman’s right of cancellation of her marriage.  Just as a man can divorce if he has a genuine objection, similarly, a woman may also have a khulu’ if she has a genuine excuse, and after returning the dowry (mahr or sadaaq). Some of the valid reasons for a woman to ask for a Khulu’ include disliking her husband’s treatment, such as being hot tempered, over-strict, one who criticizes her and rebukes her for the slightest mistake or shortcoming.  Another valid reason is that she may dislike her husband’s physical appearance due to some deformity or ugliness, or that one of his faculties is missing.  Other reasons a woman may instigate divorce is if her husband is lacking in religious commitment.  For example, he doesn’t pray, or does not fast in Ramadan without a proper excuse, or he goes to parties, whereby the barriers of Allah are transgressed, such as fornication, drinking alcohol, listening to singing and musical instruments.  Another basis a woman may ask for a divorce is if the husband deprives her of her rights of spending on her maintenance, clothing, and other essential needs, when he is able to provide these things.  A woman may also ask for a divorce if her husband does not give a woman her conjugal rights and thus keep her chaste due to being impotent, or because he is unfair in the division of his time among co-wives.  It is crucial to point out that there must be a valid reason behind asking for a khulu’. The Messenger of Allah (s.a.w) said: “If any woman asks for divorce from her husband without any specific reason, will not smell the fragrance of paradise.”  

The ‘Iddah of a woman divorced by khulu’ is not the same as that of a woman who did not instigate the divorce.  If the woman divorced by khulu’ is pregnant then her ‘Iddah lasts until she gives birth, according to scholarly consenses.[1]. But if she is not pregnant, the scholars differed concerning her ‘Iddah.  Most of the scholars said that she should wait for three menstrual cycles, because of the general meaning of the verse: “And divorced women shall wait (as regards their marriage) for three menstrual periods.”  The correct view and Allah knows best is that it is sufficient for a woman divorced by khulu’ to wait for one menstrual cycle only.  This is deduced from the hadith whereby the Prophet (s.a.w) told the wife of Thaabit ibn Qays, when she divorced him by Khulu’, to wait out the ‘Iddah for one menstrual cycle.[1]. This hadith refers specifically to Khulu’ divorce, whereas the verse quoted above speaks of divorce in general. As for the permissibility of taking back a divorced wife by Khulu’ during the ‘iddah, ibn Kathir (may Allah have mercy on him said: “There is unanimous agreement that the man who has divorced his wife by Khulu’ may take her back during the ‘Iddah.”[1]

Ar-Raj’a – Taking back a wife after a divorce

If a man divorces his wife and this is the first or second talaaq, referred to as talaaq raj’I, and she has not ended her ‘Iddah, then he can take his wife back by saying: “I am taking you back” or “I am keeping you.”  Apart from verbalizing that he is taking her back, the husband may do some action intending thereby to take her back, such as having intercourse with the intention of taking her back. The Sunnah is that taking back the wife should be done in the presence of two just Muslims based on verse number 2 from Surat at-Talaaq (65).  If the ‘Iddah has ended following a first or second divorce, there has to be a new marriage contract.  In this case he has to propose marriage like any other man, to her guardian and to her.  When she and her guardian agree and they agree upon a mahr (dowry), then the marriage contract is completed.  That must be done in the presence of two just witnesses. If however, he divorces his wife for a third time, she becomes unlawful to her first husband until she marries a second husband in a genuine marriage which is consummated.  Allah the Exalted says (interpretation of the meaning): “The divorce is twice, after that, either you retain her on reasonable terms or release her with kindness…”[1]and He also said: “And if he has divorced her (the third time), then she is not lawful unto him thereafter ntil she has married another husband.”[1]

The last divorce known amongst Muslim Jurists as Talaaq Baa-in, refers to the third divorce according to the overwhelming majority of the scholars.  This is in light of the hadith collected by Bukhari and Muslim whereby a woman came to the Messenger of Allah and said: “O Messenger of Allah, Rifaa’ah divorced me thrice, then I was married to ‘Abd al-Rahmaan ibn al-Zubayr al-Qurazi, but he has nothing with him except something like this fringe.”  The Prophet (s.a.w) said: “Perhaps you want to go back to Rifaa’ah? No, (it is not possible), unless and until you enjoy sexual relations with him (i.e. ‘Abd al-Rahman), and he enjoys the sexual relation with you.” An-Nawawi said: “This hadith indicates that the woman who has been divorced by a third talaaq is not permissible to the man who has divorced her until she has been married by another husband, who has intercourse with her then separates from her, and she completes her ‘Iddah.  Merely drawing up the marriage contract with her does not make her permissible to the first husband.  This is the view of all the scholars among the companions, the taabiee’n (their direct successors), and those who came after them.

The Psychological Stages of Divorce ( Diane Neumann)

Rarely is anyone prepared for the end of their marriage. This is almost as true for the spouse who initiates the divorce, as it is for the spouse who is being left.

Marriages are very difficult to end and everyone goes through a period of emotional transition, which can be described as a series of stages. Over the years, my work with separating and divorcing couples has shown five distinct emotional stages that comprise the divorce transition. These combined stages generally take an average of three years, though for some people the period is shorter, while for others, it is longer. The stages may occur in a specific order, though they may also blend and overlap. Occasionally, someone skips a stage.

The person who wants the divorce is called the “initiator” spouse, while the person who is not requesting the divorce (and usually does not want the divorce) is called the “non-initiator” spouse. The initiator experiences the first stage of divorce while still living with his or her spouse. Typically, this is not true for the non-initiator spouse. This individual begins the first stage after hearing of the divorce or after the couple has physically separated. This difference in the beginning of the transition causes a difference in the length of time it takes each person to complete the five stages, and this difference is a major reason why spouses are at different stages as they progress through the divorce process.

STAGE ONE: Blaming the Spouse

The focus during this stage is on the spouse. The individual blames his or her spouse for all of the past, present and future problems in their life. Both men and women are obsessively preoccupied with their past marital relationship, and often relive scenes from earlier years.

During Stage One, the individual may develop a negative self-image and be easily hurt. S/he appears depressed and sad much of the time and experiences a low energy level. Friends and relatives describe the individual as “very upset.”

The characteristics of a person in Stage One will differ depending on whether s/he is the initiator or the non-initiator. The initiator is seeking relief from a stressful situation. Hand in hand with the feeling of relief, however, the individual experiences guilt over the decision to divorce. Additional feelings of blame, fear, anger and depression exist but are often masked as s/he tries to act as if nothing were wrong. The non-initiator often describes the initiator as “stubborn” or “going through a stage.”

Sometimes the initiator is not the one who really wants the divorce. For example, Tom knew that if he continued his affair with Susan, his wife Barbara would end their marriage. He continued to see Susan, and his wife finally demanded a divorce. Though she is described as the initiator, she is not the one who wanted the divorce.

Stage One is often the first time the non-initiator hears that the relationship is over. A period of disbelief follows, accompanied with a denial of the reality of separation or divorce. Indeed, that person may become “divorce opposed,” spending all of his or her energy resisting the divorce. The non-initiator feels as though s/he has no control concerning the decision to divorce, and as a result, experiences a helplessness and a lack of control. The individual often reacts in one of two extreme ways - either by letting the initiator make all of the decisions in the separation and divorce, or by taking control and attempting to make all of the decisions.

This stage is the most difficult of the emotional stages of divorce because of the profound changes, the loss, and the fear of the unknown. A former client described this as “my shell shock months.” This is also a time of diminished parenting. Men and women are too deeply immersed in their own feelings to attend well to the needs of their children.

Mediation Benefits During Stage One

Mediation allows each individual to take some degree of control over their lives. In addition, the process helps clients to start making short-term decisions concerning the physical separation.

Mediation helps each client with the following:

1. Fosters a sense of control,

2. Defuses a fear of the separation/divorce process,

3. Structures information gathering,

4. Organization of basic living expenses,

5. Better parenting skills, and

6. Working out physical separation details.

Mediation encourages tasks that are geared for this period and helps to make sense of the ambivalent and upsetting feelings that are prevalent.

STAGE TWO: Mourning the Loss

This stage can be compared to the general theme of Kubler-Ross’s stages of death and dying. The primary focus is acknowledging the end of the relationship. Anyone who has witnessed someone in this stage is struck by the profound grieving. When a person explains, “I just sat and cried for weeks,” this is not an exaggeration. The grief feels overwhelming. There is an exaggerated “poor me” attitude. The future looms ahead, hopeless and meaningless.

Each of us builds our identity through the roles in our life. We each have several roles in our life, which bear varying degrees of importance to us. The various roles of a divorcing woman, for example, may be those of computer programmer, mother, and wife. The importance of a role depends on how much the role was part of your identity. A client of mine described how she felt as she looked at her mail, addressed to Mrs. Frank Rossi - “that’s not me anymore.”

While in Stage Two, the individual tends to be overly sensitive to any comments and interprets ambiguous comments as criticism. A second characteristic is an intense preoccupation with his or her own feelings. The individual needs emotional support, yet is ambivalent about the kind of support they want.

During this time, individuals have difficulty concentrating on tasks, as s/he is lost in a world of feelings. Parenting is still diminished, as the parent needs all of their energy for themselves. However, a parent may hold onto a child in an attempt to recapture the separated spouse, or else behave in a rejecting manner to their child because of perceived similarities between the child and the spouse.

It will be somewhat easier for clients to be in mediation during Stage Two, as both spouses are letting go of the relationship, but it is still difficult to make long-term decisions.

Mediation Benefits During Stage Two

1. Continuation of short-term tasks,

2. Re-focus from “poor me” attitude,

3. Help in letting go process,

4. Acknowledge the grief, so that the client is not pushed into

anger stage too quickly,

5. Reality of the divorce, and

6. Structure for further information gathering.

During Stage Two, the positive feelings toward the spouse surface and serve to establish a necessary foundation for people to work out what is best for each of them. The mediation process allows feelings to be constructively channeled into a framework that is working toward a fair settlement.

STAGE THREE: Anger

“The rage comes from a feeling of being betrayed - by your spouse - by life itself.”

Though anger is seen at just about every stage of the divorce transition, it is now the dominant trait. The rage is upsetting, especially to friends and relatives. The anger is most often directed toward the spouse, but it may also be aimed at “all women” or “all men.” There is a sense of righteousness to the anger - that the spouse is wrong and deserves to suffer. A common fantasy during this stage is that the judge will proclaim the spouse the “bad” individual and declare the other as the “wronged” spouse. The parents may upset their children by reacting with sudden unexpected rage at the mention of their spouse. Behind the anger, however, are many fears, such as “How will I live alone?” “Will I have enough money to support myself?”, “Will I find someone else?” On the positive side, parenting skills are slowly returning and the individuals are better able to attend to the needs of their children.

The individual’s energy level is higher than at the earlier stages and there is, correspondingly, higher self-esteem. Anger and energy are part of the same cycle, and anger means movement. This is a good point to be in mediation, because the individual has the energy to be actively engaged. It is a trying time for some mediators, however, who are not used to dealing with the displays of anger by their clients. It is very dangerous for the client to be taking part in the adversarial system because the legal divorce system will further incite most clients.

Mediation Benefits During Stage Three

1. Defuses anger,

2. Directs energy into specific tasks,

3. Enhances decision-making abilities,

4. Provides management of a variety of tasks,

5. Focus on long-term goals, and

6. Reality testing.

If you hear of a bitter, hotly contested divorce trial, you can be certain that at least one of the spouses is in the “Anger Stage.” Mediation plays a significant role during this stage by defusing the anger. Rather than fuel the fires, it redirects energy by focusing on concrete and specific aspects of the agreements.

STAGE FOUR: Being Single

This is the stage that the media glamorizes as “second adolescence,” since individuals are frequently trying out new experiences. Contrary to popular belief, these experiences are not exclusively sexual. Often the spouse will be upset to learn that the new activity is something the individual wanted their spouse to share in. For many people, this is the first time in their adult lives that they have been single. Being single, however, has more to do with making your own decisions than with marital status.

One of the most significant changes is the growing sense of being a whole person - of not needing the spouse to make him or her complete. Men and women start to trust in themselves to make their own decisions, and their self-image is much improved over the earlier stages.

Parenting tends to re-establish itself during this stage. However, there is one troublesome aspect for many, and that is if they are the parents of adolescents, they may have a difficult time, as this age group tends to be harshly judgmental of any behavior they see as “immoral” in a parent.

Individuals in this stage are able to make decisions more easily than in the previous stages. The energy level is high in comparison to the earlier stages. This is the ideal time to use mediation, for clients are in a good place to actively take part in negotiations.

Mediation Benefits During Stage Four

1. Heightened communication between the spouses,

2. Facilitates co-parenting cooperation,

3. Opportunity for improved relationship interaction, and

4. Helps in long-term planning

Stage Four is an ideal time for mediation; primarily due to the positive attitude one has toward change and oneself. Since the individual is in a relatively good emotional phase, mediation is more efficient and less painful.

STAGE FIVE: Re-Entry

Re-entry is the fifth and last stage of the divorce process. This stage of the divorce process is a time of settling down. If there is a predominant theme during Stage Five, it is the feeling of being in control of your life again. Men and women, alike, believe that they have some control over their future. Individuals in Stage Five are able to make long-term plans and commitments. If both spouses are in this stage, they will rarely be engaged in a courtroom trial. Invariably, however, spouses have completed most, if not all, of their divorce settlement.

Mediation will be relatively smooth at this point, as the individual is involved in a new life. Though that spouse has strong feelings towards his or her spouse and these feelings affect their life, the individual accepts the end of the marriage and continues on with his/her new and changed life.

Mediation Benefits During Stage Five

1. More efficient,

2. Provides closure,

3. Emphasis on the future, and

4. Is relatively painless.

Mediation is used at any time during a divorce. The mediator understands that the behavior of the clients is typical during these stages. It is not a sign of mental illness (though the spouse may question that). The stages are typical behavior for divorcing individuals. A mediator can help provide a framework for discussion and information gathering that respects the client and one, which assists to create a fair agreement

Phenomena and Analysis

In the last 5 years, the divorce rate in Indonesia increased by more than 40%. About 2 million couples get married each year and about 200,000 couples divorce each year. This figure is 10% from the marriage itself. Generally occur in marriages that are young (under 5 years). The highest divorce reason is disharmony.

Divorce seems to play a role in everyone's life today. Divorce, in many cases, is not the result of a bad marriage. Divorce is the result of not properly preparing the wedding. Many people enter marriage with unrealistic expectations so shocked at what they face in marriage. Preparation is the knowledge of the intended marriage and the things they will face in marriage. The things that should be known and discussed before marriage, among others, the nature and habits of couples, customs and values ​​in families spouse, financial management pattern couples, couples and families view the tasks and role of the husband / wife, views on marriage and couples commitment, sexual problems, as well as patterns of communication and conflict management are owned by the couple.

In addition due to unrealistic expectations about marriage, the things that led to divorce and ketidakbahagaiaan in marriage is because many people who married the wrong person for the wrong reasons. The wrong reasons to get married among others have been pregnant before marriage, rebellion against parents, to become independent or separated from parents, diversion from previous bad relationships (couples decided to get married and then immediately decide when meet a new partner), meet the demands of family and the environment social, as well as to obtain economic support. People who are married to these reasons can lead to marriage lead to divorce or be unhappy in her marriage.

The next is the cause because marriage itself is a challenging kind of relationship, even though someone has chosen partner wisely. This is because marriage involves learning to be together and split up, learn to allocate power, learn to have fun and work together, and for some people may be the most formidable challenge is to learn to raise the next generation.

The third cause is the least time and effort given to developing the relationship skills needed to maintain a strong marriage. This is because the demands of life in the present fast-paced and modern. Couples are too tired and do not have time to develop the relationship skills needed to maintain a strong marriage. So, when it comes to relationship problems (and this is a thing that happens), the couple is not able to deal with it and finally gave in marriage.

Unhappiness in marriage and divorce are very bad impact for children, adults, and communities. Stress in marriage dealing with manifestations of stress in children, including internalizing and externalizing behavior problems, behavior disorders, low academic achievement, low self esteem, adolescent criminal behavior, emotional and social disruption in the school, to commit suicide in adolescents. Wedding Stress is also associated with the manifestation of stress in adults, including behaviors of substance abuse, criminal behavior, eating disorders, psychopathology, domestic violence, decreased work productivity, depression, and suicide.

Divorce and unhappiness in a marriage had a very bad impact for the individual and society. Divorce not only result in material losses but also great mental harm to individuals and society. Therefore, establishing a strong marriage is a very important thing. Stable and secure marriage gives benefits to adults, children, and society.

Source :

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